ALL the butts.

Scene: nice restaurant, with my mom and sisterface.

Sisterface: All I’m saying about baggy clothes is if girls have to show off our humps guys should, too. I want to see the butt I’m getting.

Mom: Oh? And just how many butts have you been getting?

Sisterface: Well—

Me: Wait no no hold UP. Mom. Rude. Damn. Sisterface could get butts.

Mom: What? I’ve gotten zero butts.

Sisterface: To be honest, I’ve gotten zero butts.

Mom: And how many butts have YOU been getting?

Me: *angry glare* ALL OF THE BUTTS, Mom. ALL OF THEM.

All I've learned about gay sex and never had to ask

Because they'll just tell you. Like, outright. Or there are sites that goes into such technical detail it would turn a porn star dry. At this point, I feel I know more about the subject than people who have ACTUALLY had gay sex.

Why am I doing this? Gay erotica. BAD gay erotica. The internet is like one big porn library and typically I highly enjoy this fact... unless it's horrible gay pr0nness. I read it and and it SUCKS because I'm wincing and sex scenes should never make a person cringe unless that is the intention and 99% of the time it's obvious they were trying to make it sexy. So here are some goddamn rules, bitches.

1. Water is not a lubrication. I don't care how slippery it makes things, it is not an oil, and it actually dries the skin. This works for girls, too, because it actually takes away natural lubrication. It hurts, doesn't help. For that reason, I would use silicon-based lubrication (doesn't wash off easily) for shower scenes.

2. Your ass is not raring to go at all time. It needs to be stretched; a gay has told me that two fingers are usually enough unless the top is kinda big. The muscles in that area tighten up pretty quickly, too, which is why anal sex advocates aren't anally leaking everywhere. There are even kits you can buy to help with stretching. Someone's who's experienced can relax better but even they usually need a little preparation. Without it, there might be anal tearing (no fun) or even just small tears in the membrane (still no fun). Also, use lube. Lots of it. An anus is not a self-lubricating hole, like a vagina. It needs help. Precum ain't gonna cut it.

3. PROTECTION. I've actually gotten critiqued about using condoms in fiction. It's because I'm responsible... especially if the other person is an Unknown. My character doesn't know if they're clean or a walking back of AIDS so guess what? Rubber goes on! (Also: good for cleanup!)

4. Thought you were 'filled' by someone not wearing protection? I dunno if you've seen a guy come, but it's not like buckets. You might psychologically think you were 'getting filled' by someone, or you felt a splash, but more than likely you didn't feel anything. It's not that sensitive inside of you, which is good, if you think about what usually goes through there.

5. There is a prostate. It is about the size of a walnut and usually just as the tip of your finger if you went poking in there. It is sensitive. Some people have a 'trigger' prostate where they orgasm insanely fast if it is stimulated. It is located towards the front of the guy. It is not an inch up the ass. It is not a magic love button that makes everything better. It is a mass of sensitized tissue that secretes the fluids that comprise a lot of seminal ejaculation. Sorry girls, nothing there for you. But the anus itself is full of nerves and some women find that alone to be quite pleasurable. 'sides, orgasm is mostly mental anyway.

6. There are a shitton of gay stereotypes but let me tell you, they are wrong. You see the effeminate, long-haired waif with the stocky hulk and you should have NO IDEA who tops just by looking at the couple. Just putting that out there.

Now if you want to write the gays, that is all the information you need.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I'd swear I'm not a lush but I'd be lying

Painkillers don't work on me, not really. I ripped up (not totally off) a good portion of a toenail a week ago and have been hobbling around on it for a while, which really impeded dancing.

See where there is a conflict of interest?

And I still have to defend my ramen against my cat. I don't think 'ramen' is a good food preference for a cat. My cat likes everything, and I keep feeding him stuff for my own sick amusement. So far the only thing he DOESN'T like is Pepsi. I'm pretty sure that's not right. If there was a union for cats, he'd be kicked out of it.

And now it sounds like I only have ramen and Pepsi for sustenance. Oh no, it was my birthday, I have a shitton of free food to nom. Also more booze. A friend got me a bottle of rum for my birthday because SHE KNOWS ME. LIKE, KNOWS MY SOUL. And then people kept buying me drinks. I love my friends because they're enablers, purr.

God, every time I update this thing I'm drinking, smoking, or clubbing. My life is not the life of a rebel sans cause. I do shit like pay storage rent and get dental checkups and jump into my pants with both legs at the same time like everybody else. But clubbing is still amazingly fun, and if you can afford it, go for it.

I'm sorry, back to clubbing. We went to a club in the city and danced it up to top 40's and hiphop, although they repeated songs just like last year, goddamn go on iTunes and download some shit, people, you have three hours and there are more songs than that. I got good and tipsy, and at my high point my friend said something to me and I licked another friend on the mouth. I think that's what was pressing on my mind the whole night, not that I did something so odd and snag a friend and lick her on the mouth, but because now she won't think I'm a good kisser. Which I don't think you can judge with a drunk person anyway. Which was my logic at that time, and now, I'm like "Dude, I don't want to get in that friend's pants anyway, why am I worried she's judging my non-kissing?" and I think that maybe she'll tell prospective hotties that I'm a bad kisser, but she's still a friend even though I licked her mouth, so probably she'll just tell them I can lick my own nipples or something completely ridiculous.

I totally didn't throw up out of a car this year and it was fun even with Creepy Korean telling me to chug my drink and not taking "no," "no," "fuck no," "get the fuck away, asshole," "I will rip out that greasy rag you call a soul, wrap it around your dismembered kittenish testicles, set it on fire, and shove it down your throat if you don't back the fuck off" for an answer. Actually, a stranger came to my rescue, which was nice. I like it when guys feel chivalrous, it always means helping me or buying me things. I know how to change my own tire inside and out but I've never had to.

Yes, so, happy birthday to me. I'm cold, but I have a leftover bottle of rum to finish, and if that doesn't work to warm me up, I can just set fire to my alcohol-soaked liver. The flames will be beautiful.

I have to race like a pisshorse

The title is just another charming phrase I picked up along the way. Drop it casually at formal balls and EVERYBODY will want into your chiffon gown. Or at least point you to a bathroom.

But for now, I'm stuck in the library, too lazy to relinquish my little computer booth and head across campus to find a bathroom, since I only know where one is, a fault of the school, I'm sure. Or at least I'm going to blame them.

Anyway, in class today, my teacher had gotten started on gender and sexuality. I didn't take notes, because even though he has a PhD in psychology, I still probably know more than him on this topic. (I already know more about embryology, as the fucker has no idea what a zona pellucida is.) He got started on transsexuals, then moved to masturbation. Addressing the class, he told us that most of us masturbate, and are too ashamed to admit it.

I masturbate. And I would admit that, in public. Mostly. Not in front of a huge class, so it's not like I volunteered that information. In a small group? I am a very innappropriate person around strangers, but I've learned they like the shock value. So admitting the fact that I've masturbated while driving, that's funny, and it does get you friends cuz "BITCH YOU CRAZY." But on the flip side, nobody has seen my dildo. Sad, because they know what it looks like: purple, and sort of like a nun. Like, the glans is the habit, and it has flowers that sort of make the shape of a string of rosary beads. I wish I was kidding.

I call it 'Divine Penetration.' (I desperately need a new one; an 'OhMiBod,' if at all possible.)

In regards to sexuality, my rearing with both restricted and free. My mother didn't exactly volunteer information, but she was the one to explain to me what a blowjob was. I don't think I ever got the sex talk but I don't think there wasn't a time I didn't know, it was just always known. Then I have friends all over the place who are dirty and nasty and from whom I learn everything that made up for it. And then there is the internet, and my mother comes in here too, not because she's on the internet beyond email but because she totally instilled in me a sense of curiosity. Which is kinda bad, in this case.

Then again, I didn't masturbate for the first time until one of my friends said, "If a girl says she doesn't masturbate.. she's lying." Until then, I hadn't. Was I missing out?

Apparently.

So I can remember my first orgasm ever. I have another friend who cannot, because she started very young. And yet other girls have yet to really experience an orgasm. 20% of all new brides will not have an orgasm their first year of marriage. This is sad. Something needs to be done.

I propose that Christopher Walken goes around to each female individually and assesses their sexual level of maturity. If they don't masturbate, he explains to them the error of their ways. If they have never climaxed ever, and many women don't orgasm until they're 24, he takes care of that problem personally. Bitches and hos get the slut smacked out of them.

I also volunteer Heath Ledger, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, and any other typical hot male celebrity. Walken was my first choice just because he's kind of a badass. In case you hadn't noticed.

(Upon asking a friend, they volunteered the name 'Rupert Grint.' I veto'd that, if only because his sex face would invariably the same nauseated expression that is his go-to emotion when acting. I like redheads as much as the next girl but. No.)

What you should take away from this, or what I took away from this when I reread that mass of pixelated mental vomit:

-masturbate furiously daily. No, you won't go blind. Much.
-the author needs an OhMiBod and it would be a fantastic birthday or Christmas present, but only for her. Think before you buy it for anybody else. Like, really really hard.