Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Elbow-deep in chestal cavity

Dude, way too many strange guys have been seeing my boobs while I've been sober. Something's not right here.


I can't have alcohol or caffeine or smoke for a full day before my surgery, to avoid risk of heart palpitations.


But seriously, it's becoming commonplace for a dude to lift my shirt without even asking my name beforehand nowadays. Sure, he's sticking electrodes to my skin and staring at a machine instead of my cute new bra, but I still want a drink before I flash the guy like it's Mardi Gras and he is the man with the beads to need.

And then tomorrow not only will my surgeon be rummaging around my breasticles, they'll have a visiting doctor, and the two of them together can stare pensively at nipples.

I need black duct-tape to censor myself. TONIGHT.


...ew. The next generation does NOT need to look at my nipples.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

All I've learned about gay sex and never had to ask

Because they'll just tell you. Like, outright. Or there are sites that goes into such technical detail it would turn a porn star dry. At this point, I feel I know more about the subject than people who have ACTUALLY had gay sex.

Why am I doing this? Gay erotica. BAD gay erotica. The internet is like one big porn library and typically I highly enjoy this fact... unless it's horrible gay pr0nness. I read it and and it SUCKS because I'm wincing and sex scenes should never make a person cringe unless that is the intention and 99% of the time it's obvious they were trying to make it sexy. So here are some goddamn rules, bitches.

1. Water is not a lubrication. I don't care how slippery it makes things, it is not an oil, and it actually dries the skin. This works for girls, too, because it actually takes away natural lubrication. It hurts, doesn't help. For that reason, I would use silicon-based lubrication (doesn't wash off easily) for shower scenes.

2. Your ass is not raring to go at all time. It needs to be stretched; a gay has told me that two fingers are usually enough unless the top is kinda big. The muscles in that area tighten up pretty quickly, too, which is why anal sex advocates aren't anally leaking everywhere. There are even kits you can buy to help with stretching. Someone's who's experienced can relax better but even they usually need a little preparation. Without it, there might be anal tearing (no fun) or even just small tears in the membrane (still no fun). Also, use lube. Lots of it. An anus is not a self-lubricating hole, like a vagina. It needs help. Precum ain't gonna cut it.

3. PROTECTION. I've actually gotten critiqued about using condoms in fiction. It's because I'm responsible... especially if the other person is an Unknown. My character doesn't know if they're clean or a walking back of AIDS so guess what? Rubber goes on! (Also: good for cleanup!)

4. Thought you were 'filled' by someone not wearing protection? I dunno if you've seen a guy come, but it's not like buckets. You might psychologically think you were 'getting filled' by someone, or you felt a splash, but more than likely you didn't feel anything. It's not that sensitive inside of you, which is good, if you think about what usually goes through there.

5. There is a prostate. It is about the size of a walnut and usually just as the tip of your finger if you went poking in there. It is sensitive. Some people have a 'trigger' prostate where they orgasm insanely fast if it is stimulated. It is located towards the front of the guy. It is not an inch up the ass. It is not a magic love button that makes everything better. It is a mass of sensitized tissue that secretes the fluids that comprise a lot of seminal ejaculation. Sorry girls, nothing there for you. But the anus itself is full of nerves and some women find that alone to be quite pleasurable. 'sides, orgasm is mostly mental anyway.

6. There are a shitton of gay stereotypes but let me tell you, they are wrong. You see the effeminate, long-haired waif with the stocky hulk and you should have NO IDEA who tops just by looking at the couple. Just putting that out there.

Now if you want to write the gays, that is all the information you need.


Thursday, December 3, 2009

My mouth hasn't hurt this bad since high school

Of course I start this shit off with a blowjob joke. It's funny.

Oh god oral surgery is like the suckiest thing EVER. Besides AIDS. And like a list of other things that suck worse.

But that day was pretty sucky in and of itself. I did the surgery and very distinctly heard the dentist tell his assistant that they were "going to go for broke. Do the best we can for her." Because apparently MY MOUTH FAILS. I just injured a gumline for a lower front tooth and the frenulum (little flap of skin that connects lip to gums) was just making it worse. So they nicked the sucker off and did a skin graft from the roof of my mouth to the tooth. They didn't mention stitches were involved but there you go. DENTISTS LIE.

And for that trouble I got ibuprofen and a gold star. A metaphorical one. He didn't give me an actual gold star.


Then when I was loopy and tried to drive home I nearly ran into a wall because once more, I performed the trick where I confuse brake and gas pedal. A bad idea in most situations, but my lysdexia is particularly nerve-wracking when coming down from the shock of seeing your blood everywhere.

Then two days later I ripped the graft off.



Basically I need to go in again later to redo the graft and it sucks and I gotta slap a bitch. So close to my other surgery. Hate.

Thus ends this edition of 'your life is better than mine'! Tune in next week when I get heart surgery, make a joke while under local anesthesia, and cause a surgeon to nick an artery. Headline: 'Girl killed by dead baby joke.'

Now let's make like a dead baby and hit the road.