Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I am Bad People

If having the sudden urge to smoke while swinging on your old elementary school campus makes you a bad person, I don't even want to know how to be a good person. Because seriously, swinging is awesome. Random urges to smoke are awesome. Combine the two?

Totes amazeballs.

My smoking habit, though, isn't really a smoking habit. I don't think you can call it a habit if I bought a pack in September, and here it is November, and I have 13 left. I bought it because it was literally the last day I could legally buy cloves in the US and because I had been jonesing for smoking. I had never smoked before in my life, but I was seriously dreaming about it, I wanted it so bad.

See: addictive personality. I can get addicted to something without any of the prerequisites, like... trying it.

Occasionally now, I have an urge to hold something between my fingers and suck on it (obligatory blowjob joke here) and for a bit I have been wanting to go embrace my inner child but not in a pedophilic way because ew. Swings, though. Yes.

I live around the corner from my old elementary school, so it's 10:30 at night and I'm like "whatever, any kids up to see me smoking are delinquents anyway, and it's not like I'd share my damn cloves when they're illegal to buy here" so I go and yonder hence. It's a nice night out and--

Holy shit fence. There is a huge, fatty fence around my school. Wtshit, childhood? Oh well... it's a fire hazard to lock the thing totally down, so I wander around the perimeter and bam, open door. Score one for me.

I'm walking both through the school and down memory lane, outside the buildings (It's an outdoor campus), being all happy and practically prancing and I vaguely see movement. Yes, my night vision sucks harder than the really old Godzilla movies, although those are hilarious to watch when you've had a few drinks in you. I can't remember which movie it was, but Godzilla totally blows Mothra. I was there, I saw it.

Anyway. Movement. Like an idiot, I decide to Scooby up and investigate. Sort of, I mainly just continue to head towards the swings when


I gtfo'd harder than I have ever gtfo'd in my life. It is on campus and chilling outside a building and about thirty feet away and then it's running and I'm running and to condense all my terror into a few words, I did not get sprayed but it TOTALLY exacerbated my condition.

I sang my way back out of campus because skunks do run away if they know you're coming, it's not like they WANT to ruin your life (they totally do). It was a pretty simple song, mostly comprised of "I am totally haaaaarmlessssss" and "please do not spray me in the faaaaace." My idyllic urge to swing had been squashed. But the pack of nicotine and cloves in my pocket still sang. (It wasn't as good as my song.)

So I hung out in the street to the side of the school, smoked, turned on a few porch lights with the power of making people concerned, and probably TOTALLY freaked out neighborhood watch. I mean, kid in black hoodie wandering outside your house? Sketchy, but... GO BACK TO BED, OLD PEOPLE WITH SUPER-HEARING. I DO NOT WANT TO STEAL YOUR SHIT. And just FYI, fuck littering, I totally didn't throw away my butt. See? I'm a good person. I don't litter or give kids cigs or smoke around other people. (Just outside of elementary schools.)

In any case, that was WAY more terror than a trip to a playground really needed. Which is probably why I should quit my horribly unhealthy smoking 'habit.'

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